Thank you all so much! I have reached 100 followers! Keep being amazing! :-D
Thank you all so much! I have reached 100 followers! Keep being amazing! :-D
Before my birth-mom got pregnant with me, she had, had her tubes tied. The doctor says it was 1/1,000 chances a baby would be born. So, when I was, indeed, born and came as a surprise, I was given up for adoption for financial reasons. It was an open adoption and I keep in touch with my birth mom to this day. I was born with a male brain and a female body, an invisible birth defect if you will. The family I was given to was a very conservative Christian family. Ways to describe their personality are things like: rigid, always right even if they’re not right, their way or the highway, etc. At 3 years old, when I first came to an understanding of the concept of gender, I knew I wasn’t physically a boy, but I couldn’t understand why. I said to my mom, “I want to be a boy. I don’t understand. Why can’t I be a boy?” She replied, “You’re a girl. God made you a girl, and that’s just the way it is.” She had a matter-of-fact way of making the point that there was to be no further discussion on the topic.
Also, I grew up with an alcoholic father. At night, he would scream in a drunken rage. He would get so angry, he would shake and his head would turn a deep shade of red, almost purple. When he would scream, he would bare his teeth, his gold fillings gleaming in the dim lighting of the hallway. I grew up terrified of that man. Most of his rage was directed at my older brother for things like not ding well in school (we later discovered my brother had a learning disability) and not being good enough in sports (he is and always has been an excellent athlete). I got the message that anyone who upsets my father, gets yelled at, threatened, and is an absolute piece of shit. I grew up walking on eggshells around my father and doing everything to be perfect in his eyes, for fear of retaliation if I was not.
It turns out, my expectations of me ended up much higher than his actual expectations of me. Regardless, I perceived him as a threat, and did everything in my power to avoid that threat. This included A’s and B’s in school in mostly honors classes, private violin lessons, in school orchestra, band, choir, and drama, junior symphony outside of school, chamber groups (music ensembles) outside of school, top of JV in cross country, varsity track, and the list goes on…not to mention playing the role of a Christian straight girl. Yet, I somehow still felt I wasn’t good enough…maybe because my dad was still yelling at night in his alcoholic rages…maybe because I was somehow under the misconception that I could fix him if I could just do enough things right to counteract all the wrong things my brother did. I don’t know. All I know, is I broke under the pressure.
On November 2, 2004, I jumped off of a 125 foot bridge in an attempt to end my life. I was completely miserable and tired of living the way I was living. One hundred and twenty five feet is a long way to fall, so one has time to think on the way down when they fall that far. One of the things I remember thinking was, “I don’t want to die.” Instantaneously, I felt as though I was slowing down and envisioned in my head a giant, translucent hand under me carrying me on the way down. I literally walked away. The doctors said physics does not explain why I’m here. I should have every bone in my body shattered, which would puncture vital organs and kill me. They said, if a miracle happened, you should have at least been paralyzed from your armpits down. Yet, that was not the case.
I spent the majority of the last two years of high school in the psych ward and was extremely lucky to graduate. Right before I turned 18 at the end of my senior year in high school, I began to rebel. I started smoking weed and drinking. My first year in college, at a Christian College, I came out as lesbian, which still didn’t feel quite right to me, but it was much better than before, so I stuck to that label for another 7 years. Though, I left that college after struggling with my spiritual life and not wanting to go to a school that judged me for living outside their comfort zone.
I met a woman, whom I formed a domestic partnership with(prior to the legalization of same-sex marriage). Long story cut very short, it was a volatile relationship involving lots of drug use and crazy shenanigans, and she left me due to something I did that hurt her past the point of no return. I had loved her from the very deepest part of my soul, and when she left me, I was so distraught because I thought I would never be able to love again. By this time, I had graduated to shooting heroin (I also came to the realization that I was trans* around this time-frame), and I went on a heroin spree for the next six months, living and breathing for the sole purpose of injecting heroin. Everything I did, I did for that drug. Eventually, I ran out of resources; I had a choice: live without heroin and deal with my feelings or O.D. and die. I, of course, chose the latter. Except, my tolerance was high enough that it didn’t work. So, I opted for rehab.
Sobriety has been a journey all it’s own. I came down to L.A. for rehab in August of 2012. Over a year later, I am just now making a true beginning in recovery at 47 days totally clean and sober. I’ve been taking hormones for 7 months. I’m just beginning to realize I can be spiritual without being religious and I don’t have to define what it is in the universe that I can rely on for help, I just have to trust that I’ll be okay no matter what life deals my way. My dad is just starting to get sober and work a program, and as a result, my relationship with my family is massively improving. I’m not gonna lie, it’s not all a fuckin’ bowl of cherries, but my life is better than I ever could have asked for, and I have a lot more room to grow, so I’m grateful for this crazy journey called life.
If you want to know more about my current developments, follow me at: http://www.tumblr.com/blog/sirnico
PLEASE Share this!!!
WRITTEN BY A COP: Everyone should take 5 minutes to read this. It may save your life or a loved one’s life. In daylight hours, refresh yourself of these things to do in an emergency situation… This is for you, and for you to share with your wife, your children, & everyone you know. After reading these 9 crucial tips, forward them to someone you care about. It never hurts to be careful in this crazy world we live in.
1. Tip from Tae Kwon Do :The elbow is the strongest point on your body. If you are close enough to use it, do!
2. Learned this from a tourist guide. If a robber asks for your wallet and/or purse,
DO NOT HAND IT TO HIM. Toss it away from you… Chances are that he is more interested in your wallet and/or purse than you, and he will go for the wallet/purse.
RUN LIKE MAD IN THE OTHER DIRECTION!
3. If you are ever thrown into the trunk of a car, kick out the back tail lights and stick your arm out the hole and start waving like crazy.. The driver won’t see you, but everybody else will. This has saved lives.
4. Women have a tendency to get into their cars after shopping, eating, working, etc., and just sit (doing their checkbook, or making a list, etc.
DON’T DO THIS!) The predator will be watching you, and this is the perfect opportunity for him to get in on the passenger side, put a gun to your head,
and tell you where to go. AS SOON AS YOU GET INTO YOUR CAR ,
LOCK THE DOORS AND LEAVE..
If someone is in the car with a gun to your head DO NOT DRIVE OFF, Repeat:
DO NOT DRIVE OFF! Instead gun the engine and speed into anything, wrecking the car. Your Air Bag will save you. If the person is in the back seat they will get the worst of it. As soon as the car crashes bail out and run. It is better than having them find your body in a remote location.
5. A few notes about getting into your car in a parking lot, or parking garage:
A.) Be aware:look around you, look into your car, at the passenger side floor ,
and in the back seat.
B.) If you are parked next to a big van, enter your car from the passenger door.
Most serial killers attack their victims by pulling them into their vans while the women
are attempting to get into their cars. C.) Look at the car parked on the driver’s side of your vehicle, and the passenger side.. If a male is sitting alone in the seat nearest your car, you may want to walk back into the mall, or work, and get a guard/policeman to walk you back out. IT IS ALWAYS BETTER TO BE SAFE THAN SORRY. (And better paranoid than dead.)
6. ALWAYS take the elevator instead of the stairs. Stairwells are horrible places to be alone and the perfect crime spot. This is especially true at NIGHT!)
7. If the predator has a gun and you are not under his control, ALWAYS RUN!
The predator will only hit you (a running target) 4 in 100 times; and even then,
it most likely WILL NOT be a vital organ. RUN, Preferably in a zig -zag pattern!
8. As women, we are always trying to be sympathetic: STOP It may get you raped, or killed. Ted Bundy, the serial killer, was a good-looking, well educated man, who ALWAYS played on the sympathies of unsuspecting women. He walked with a cane, or a limp, and often asked ‘for help’ into his vehicle or with his vehicle, which is when he abducted his next victim.
9. Another Safety Point: Someone just told me that her friend heard a crying baby on her porch the night before last, and she called the police because it was late
and she thought it was weird.. The police told her ‘Whatever you do, DO NOT
open the door..’ The lady then said that it sounded like the baby
had crawled near a window, and she was worried that it would crawl to the street and get run over. The policeman said, ‘We already have a unit on the way,
whatever you do, DO NOT open the door.’ He told her that they think a serial killer
has a baby’s cry recorded and uses it to coax women out of their homes thinking that someone dropped off a baby.. He said they have not verified it, but have had several calls by women saying that they hear baby’s cries outside their doors when they’re home alone at night.
10. Water scam! If you wake up in the middle of the night to hear all your taps outside running or what you think is a burst pipe, DO NOT GO OUT TO INVESTIGATE! These people turn on all your outside taps full blast so that you will go out to investigate and then attack.
Stay alert, keep safe, and look out for your neighbors! Please pass this on
This post should probably be taken seriously because the Crying Baby Theory was mentioned on America ‘s Most Wanted when they profiled
the serial killer in Louisiana
I’d like you to forward this to all the women you know.
It may save a life. A candle is not dimmed by lighting another candle..
I was going to send this to the ladies only,
but guys, if you love your mothers, wives, sisters, daughters, etc.,
you may want to pass it onto them, as well.
Send this to any woman you know that may need
to be reminded that the world we live in has a lot of crazies in it
and it’s better to be safe than sorry..
Everyone should take 5 minutes to read this. It may save your life or
a loved one’s life.
Reblogging this here because the world is fucked up and everyone needs to know this stuff
I am currently gaining respect for Marilyn Manson.